Mike Keenan's Biased Ramble





Oscar Night 2005

"You look like A Million Dollars Baby"

"You're a RAY of sunshine"

" That dress knocks me SIDEWAYS"

Just some of the cheesy lines we're likely to hear from the red carpet this evening.

It's Oscar Night 2005 and I'll be here through the evening posting my raw thoughts on the winners, losers and everything inbetween. As with previous years, it's likely to be poorly spelt, the grammer will be awful and the gags will appall.

But at least I'm not Chris Rock.

First, as is traditional... here are some predicitions.

Actor In A Leading Role

Don Cheadle - HOTEL RWANDA
Johnny Depp - FINDING NEVERLAND
Leonardo DiCaprio
- THE AVIATOR
Clint Eastwood
- MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Jamie Foxx
- RAY

I should state upfront that I LOVED Million Dollar Baby. I thought it was the best film of last year by a long, long way.

With that said, whilst Mr Eastwood's perfomance fitted the part he played perfectly it can't have stretched him too far. He has far too much natural ability in the grizzled vetran character.

There are also a number of reasons to vote for the other actors in this category, all of who I rate as top class actors. However, as reported in the press, it seems that Jamie Foxx is a shoe in for this award tonight.

With my cynical head on, this paticular performance ticks all the boxes for Oscar success.

1. Disabled Character - Blind
2. Recently deceased charater - Ray Charles died this year.
3. True Life Story
4. Triumph Over Adversity - And How.

Prediction - Jamie Foxx - RAY
Mike's Vain Hope - Clint Eastwood - MILLION DOLLAR BABY

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Annette Bening - BEING JULIA
Catalina Sandino Moreno - MARIA FULL OF GRACE
Imelda Staunton
- VERA DRAKE
Hilary Swank
- MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Kate Winslet
- ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

Swank... A previous winner and a plain and simple perfect performance here. I don't want to give away anything for people who have not seen Million Dollar Baby, but her performance in the last act is without equal this year, or in the past few years.

Her performance is measured, by nessesity, but she still manages to convey a massive amount of emotion simply with her eyes.

Not the most feminine of the actresses on display this evening but certainly the most talented performance.

Prediction - Hilary Swank - MILLION DOLLAR BABY

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Alan Alda - THE AVIATOR
Thomas Haden Church - SIDEWAYS
Jamie Foxx
- COLLATERAL
Morgan Freeman
- MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Clive Owen
- CLOSER

I think Clive Owen has this one sown up. He's certainly grabbing the gongs elsewhere and it is a cracking performance in Closer.

With that said, my personal favorite comes again from Million Dollar Baby. Mr Freeman taking home this award would give me no cause for complaint.

Thomas Haden Church for Sideways would be a good award to recognise the performances in that film. A character driven piece which will charm the trousers from you, it deserves recognition across the board... however the better performance of the 2 main characters comes from the "Lead Role" of Miles played by Paul Giamatti.

It's not new news that Giamatti was spectacularly snubbed by the academy and will therefore not even be up for an award this evening.

Tragic, altough he was unlikely to topple the mighty Foxx from the eventual award, he at least deserved a nomination.

Prediction - Clive Owen
Vain Hope - Morgan Freeman

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Cate Blanchett - THE AVIATOR
Laura Linney - KINSEY
Virginia Madsen
- SIDEWAYS
Sophie Okonedo
- HOTEL RWANDA
Natalie Portman
- CLOSER

I always have trouble calling this. There are good performances all round here, I haven't seen Laura Linney in Kinsey but the others are all fairly level pegging.

I'm going with Sophie Okonedo for reasons unknown, just a gut feeling I suppose. Although I'd love to see Natalie Portman take this home.

Prediction - Sophie Okonedo
Vain Hope - Natalie Portman

DIRECTING
THE AVIATOR
MILLION DOLLAR BABY

RAY

SIDEWAYS
VERA DRAKE

Mmmm. Scorsese... God love him. He tries and tries and hasn't get grabbed the oscar. it would be interesting to see him get one this year and I reckon The Aviator might just have what it takes.

With that said he has Clint opposite him and he all know that he can draw.

High Noon.

Prediction - THE AVIATOR
Hope - MILLION DOLLAR BABY

BEST PICTURE

THE AVIATOR
FINDING NEVERLAND
MILLION DOLLAR BABY

RAY

SIDEWAYS

Everything to play for but I'm going with the big two again for this one.

Prediction - The Aviator
Vain Hope - Million Dollar Baby

Other predictions

Makeup - Passion Of The Christ
Animated Feature -
The Incredibles
Best Song -
Learn To Be Lonely - Phantom Of The Opera
Score -
The Passion Of The Christ

The Show...

So... 00:50GMT and we kick off with Sky's coverage of the 77th Academy Awards. Our hosts for the evening, lord help us, are Jamie Theakston and that great movie critic Sharon Osbourne.

Also on the red, sorry pink, carpet at Elton John's Oscar party we have a no-name blonde with a personality bypass.

Predictions from the Sky audience are leaning towards confirming most of my predictions with the notable exception of best actress.

Over to the "American Co-Hosts" on the real red carpet. Every year these guys amaze with thier insensitive and overblown coverage of the arrivals.

Hilary Swank is first to be interviewed and first to look at the hosts with a look of open amazement and distain. Fair Play.

Jamie Foxx wearing sunglasses at night and waving his head from side to side... who does that remind me of.

Halle Berry, following on from her appearance at the Razzies last night to pick up her award for "Worst Actress" in catwoman. The first Razzie winner to actually show up, good on her.

A recap of teary speeches from the likes of Halle Berry and Tom Hanks. There's one a year... my money is on it not being Clint.

Renee Zelwegger not up for an award this year after winning last year. Probably because she only made the 2nd Bridget Jones this film... Not exactly "you had me at hello".

Sharon Osbourne looks a little too much like Gene Simmons for my liking.

01:13... show's coming up soon.

I'm a little red-bulled up tonight... not had chance for a sleep today so this could be a challenge.

Clive Owen. Potentially a new bond, seeing him in the tux he's certainly got the right look. It'll be interesting to see if an oscar makes any difference to his potential bond-age... so to speak.

Mr Elton John has arrived at his own party... so we're speaking to him. He's enchanting... really... and he's won so many oscars for his many film roles...... wait.... why are we speaking to him again?

Final arrivals now.

Given the terrible links the American presenters have provided, I'm concerned that the pre-show titles list a writer.

01:30 and we're off.

A very clever intro... but you've got to miss Billy.

Here's Chris Rock.

"No acting at the Oscars.." got love you Chris. He's likely to put noses out of joint this evening... I reckon he's unlikely to be back.

Still, he's slowly getting them onside. Anti-Bush gags always do that.

Mmmm. Quite.

Halle, Halle, Halle, Halle... Berry. Phew.

And the first "Pop Idol" Nominees on stage Eviction. Art Direction. That was handled better than I expected.

And now the first speech from someone you've never heard of. Bless, he's thanked all his bosses... it's like me giving a speech at work thanking the company for paying me.

Next up... Zellweger to present Actor in a Supporting Role.

It's.... FREEMAN... Get in. Well deserved and an unexpected win for me. It's unbelievable that this is his first Oscar despite 4 nominations. A simple, elegant speech and played off to... the theme to Star Trek : The Next Generation.... I kid you not.

Jamie Theakston thinks it should have been Clive Owen but I'm very pleased it wasn't.... this could be the start of a great night for Million Dollar Baby.

Back to the show and... Robin Williams. "Donald Duck, Sailor Top and no pants ... come on!"

Animated Feature... Incredibles... A great winner. Brad Bird is on accepting and is surprising inarticulate considering his work on both this and the Simpsons. Very touching though.

Cate Blanchett is out in the crowd to present the makeup Oscar. I assume this will be one of the ones where the winner will not be invited to the stage to make a speech... let's see if the Passion wins it.... Lemony Snickett gets it. and they do make a speech but from the aisle.

Strange.

Drewwwwwwwwwwwwww Barrymore. To present a song from a french movie which I'll admit I've never heard of.

However it's being sung, as a number of the songs this evening are, by Beyonce Knowles. Her french is surprising good... but then I believe she's been kissing that way for years.

Sorry.

Not a bad song... nothing special though.

Jane Seymour is on with the Sky team... I thought Henry the Eighth killed her.

I've cottoned on that the Elton John party is for charity... so fair play. Apologies for any offhand comments earlier.

Back to the show.

Scarlett Johannson presented the technical achievement awards this year. I love this part of the show, spods collecting oscars. I dare say most of them have never seen a woman before... Scarlett was really taking her life into her hands.

Bond Theme.... Ooooo. It's Brosnan, that's a pretty poor choice of tune considering the recent revelations concerning his dropping from the franchise.

He's presenting opposite an animated character from the Incredibles.. which is very well done.

Costume Design has gone to The Aviator.

Tim Robbins. And a caustic intro from Mr Rock... "When he's not dazzling us with his acting, he's boring us with his politics"

Best Supporting Actress... Cate Blanchett wins. So did she win or did Katherine Hepburn win :)

3 so far to The Aviator... not bad considering we're not too far in.

It's 02:24 time for another drink.

Some bloke who used to be in a British boy-band is on my screen. Top Class.

A tribute to Johhny Carson... funny man and MC of the Oscars on many an occasion.

DeCaprio... to present best documentary. "Born Into Brothels" wins. Sounds like a worthwhile piece of work.

Dunst and Bloom... to present editing. Another to The Aviator... that's 4.

Counting Crows performing Accidentally in Love from Shrek 2. Great tune... strangest looking guys at the show. I can't be alone in wondering if thier band name refers to the act of counting crows or if it's a reference to specially trained mathematical birds.

The bloke is from Blue and his name is Lee.... I'm pretty sure he's incapable of stringing together a coherent sentence.

It's 02:40. I'm flagging.

When did Adam Sandler get to Oscar presenting status. Oh hillarious.

Adapted Screenplay.... Sideways get's an award. I had no idea it was adapted from a novel... although it must have been in the titles when I watched it. Maybe I should have left off the Sideways drinking game, where you match the characters glass for glass.

Visual Effects... Spods on stage. Spiderman 2 gets the award... and quite right too..

Spods giving speeches."Boy am I glad there wasn't a forth Lord Of The Rings"

Pacino. To present the honorary Oscar to Sidney Lumett.

We're away for a break...

The specially written song for the titles of Phantom of the Opera is up next with Beyonce Knowles on vocal duties... Lloyd Webber is on Piano.

Good voice there.... rubbish arm movements... looks like a cow's tail keeping the flies away.

Oh dear... there's a bloke a phantom mask. There'll be a dropping chandleer next... This song irritates me, it's an addition espesially for the movie version of Phantom and it's a complete departure from the tone of the piece. As I said when Eminem won best song, it's all about the fit to the film.

Live Action Short... I'm not familiar with any of these films, probably quite like a massive amount of you... An english winner though who suggested that this experience was alike a dog's genitalia.. but in a slightly more base manner.

Animated short film goes to a bloke who has a partially grey beard.

it's 03:13.

Winslett. My Lord, she's a good looking lady.

Cinematography, some cracking work here.... but the award sticks with the trend and goes to The Aviator

The winner makes a lovely speech about his sick mother who is currently in hospital... and is then played off to the theme from The Terminator.

One of the guys out of Will and Grace is on with the Sky team... and he's hammered.

Sound Mixing is next... The Aviator misses out to Ray. "The story is told mostly through sound".

Sound Editing... Incredibles get's a second award.

Documentary Short Subject - Goes to 2 apparently stoned guys.

JT ... To score.... sorry... present the award for best score... and it's Finding Neverland.

It's 03:45

A tribute to the fallen this year.

Best Actress - Swank. Well deserved and a touching speech... that's 2 for Hilary to date.

It's 04:14

Samuel L Jackson and Best Original Screenplay... Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind... another Kaufman success. He was robbed for Adaptation.

The stars of Desperate Housewives are on the Sky coverage. Hello Ladies.

"Is it the year of the Foxx?" ... looking at these ladies. It's the year of the fox... I apologise.

Best Actor and Charlize Theron.... and Mr Foxx takes it home. It might have been the most predicted but he still looks surprised and over the moon.

Good man... great speech.

It's 04:30

Julia HUBBA HUBBA Roberts... and the award for directing.

EASTWOOD! Get In. Poor old marty... he's not at all liked by Tinsel Town.

Unbelievable that his 96 year old mother is in the audience.

Great Film... Great Director... Great Actor...

The Fockers are out to present Best Film.

Million Dollar Baby!

Poor Marty. But a great night for a sensational film. Phenomenal.

04:40 and we're done... a streamlined show that gets us all home earlier... the strains of Hooray for Hollywood play out over the shocked auditorium... Looks like Clints still the law in town.

That's it from me folks... you can find the whole list of winners here

Mike

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This site and it's contents are the intellectual property of Mike Keenan and will be until he's long dead... and even then, he'll haunt you if you tell one of his jokes out of context... or if you even vaguely displease him... his afterlife is going to be rather busy.