I did it... I nicked a gag for the title..... but it is a corker. So Christmas is almost upon us, I know this because my street is lit up like an elf brothel. Children are, as Cliff would put it, "Singing Christian Rhyme". And only demanding 5 English Pounds for their incessant screeching. As I put it to one group of "Carol Singers" earlier this month, "Bugger off, go and disturb some other unsuspecting music lover"... Oh how we laughed at my wit. I don't know why I'm bothering with the full title though. Apparently "Chrimbo" will now suffice... or "The Birth of Our Lord Jesus Christ" as I prefer. Still, the upsides are there. and this being Christmas I'd like to focus on the positives that I see all around me, through the medium of a numbered list... how festive. 1. Logs on the fire and gifts on the tree.... Decorating the house is great at this time of year. You get to bring a bit of the outside in.... "poor tree's must be freezing outside... let's bring them into the living room"... I love decorating the tree and sideboards with pine cones and false robins. I don't however feel the need to stick half of Woolworths over my porch. Let's examine the mentality of people who buy a 12 foot tall inflatable Santa to place on thier front lawn... Can't we open a shelter for these people? Somewhere safe to spend tbe winter months... or at least get a hot meal.. and some medication. Besides, where I liveat least, an inflatable Santa has a life expentancy of about 15 minutes. After that he's either been knifed, or wishes he had been. 2. Misletoe and Wine... and Strongbow... and Bushmills... and so on. Yes. It's the off licence's dream. Most people I know park thier cars up on Christmas Eve and are unable to legally drive them again until August the 5th. Now some people wouldn't see this as a positive... degradation of society and all that. Me? I see it as a resolution to the congestion of major routes. 3. Only Fools and Horses. If it wasn't for the BBC's lack of imagination, I would have spent a fortune buying this series on DVD. Instead I wait for Christmas Day.... or any other holiday... and simply flick on BBC1. 4. Frost, Snow, Ice etc... It kills the weeds in the garden, saving me a job. Hurrah! 5. Tangerines, Satsumas, Sprouts. All the foods that we associate with Christmas will get you a rather bizarre look at any other time of year. Come December though and the gloves are off, I intend to look like an orange Brussel Sprout by January the 1st. And Finally... 6. Socks. The next time you're in a department store, or clothes shop... take a look at the price of socks... or tacky pullovers for that matter.... now, imagine how much it would cost to keep yourself in rubbish footware and questionable knitware for the whole year. Now say "Thank You Mum." Anyway.. Ho Ho Ho.... Merry Christmas. I'm off to Tesco to spend the national debt of Spain. Mike

This site and it's contents are the intelectual property of Mike Keenan and will be until he's long dead... and even then, he'll haunt you if you tell one of his jokes out of context... or if you even vaguely displease him... his afterlife is going to be rather busy.