Tonight the amazing
story of Jeremy, a man.
Jeremy's
story begins on a cold winter night when he accidentally locked himself
in a coal bunker with Les Dennis and Angela Rippon. Here's his story.
"
Well it was a cold night, like many that winter and I decided to go
outside and stroke, er, stoke the boiler. It was dark outside so I
took a stick of French bread and made my way down to the bunker. "
When Jeremy reached the bunker something strange happened.
" Yeah, well it must have been the fumes or something because
I suddenly came over all funny. "
Jeremy in a fit of coal induced stupidity threw two of the 80's favourite
presenters into the coal bunker and followed slamming the door behind
him. His wife, Jean, was the first to discover the tragedy.
" Well I got a bit worried when he didn't come back for six
hours and so I took the spare French bread and went to look for him.
When I got to the bunker there was shouting coming from inside it
and that's when I realised that Angela Rippon was telling stories
about that dire gameshow she presented that filled the pre-news slot
where they now show Neighbours. I was so scared that I just broke
down and cried. "
But help was at hand. The fearless men of the South Wales Fire Brigade
shot to the scene. Here is the Chief Officer to explain,
" Yeah well it took us a while to get there, Boy-o. You know,
Because they live in Surrey. Surely they would have been better sending
the Surrey Fire Service. Anyhow we got the cutting equipment out straight
away. Because we like cutting stuff up. But his wife suggested we
make the bold move of going to the kitchen for the spare key. Now
we had to discuss this at length because, you know, it was a long
way back and all the batteries had run out in the onions. I had my
men's lives to thing about. Some of them have got families. And most
of them have sheep at least."
The Chief decided to make the bold move when he heard Les Dennis start
on his memories of Dustin Gee.
" Well, you know, I realised at that point that Jeremy's
sanity was at stake so I sent my two best men back for the key, Boy-o.
"
In ten more excruciating minutes Jeremy was released unharmed, and
Les Dennis was returned to the set of Family Fortunes without further
delay.
Unfortunately this happy ending was tinged with sadness. Vets, after
hours of work, finally decided that Angela Rippon should be put down.
It was for the best.
There were complaints however that Rolf Harris was allowed to be present.
As Ever, I've
been Michael Burke, And You Haven't... Goodnight.